I always get what I want. . .

As cocky as the title, if I want something bad enough I will work towards it. This applies mostly to men because I like the challenge. With that being said, I finally got A* last night. Didn't fuck him, but at least I've gotten my goal. Yeah, I'm a ho in my department but I don't care. I haven't fucked them all. He swore for so long that he was above this. Not that I hold it against him, I'm just glad that he could allow himself this.

A* and I have had a series of casual dates in groups and alone in the past month but last night was by far the most enjoyable of the time. We've had various outings for drinks and dinner. Last night kind of turned in to I have no idea. We made dinner together, in his incredibly messy kitchen. I want to clean it so bad, I also want to clean his room. Good grief, I sound like his mom. But it doesn't bother me. It bothers him and I want him be happy and comfortable and know that its nothing.

We've been playing this horrible cat and mouse game for months. I believe I've been taken into his confidence. I believe but I don't really know. He's told me things I'm sure he'll tell others but we'll see. My lips are sealed for the time being.

Our first kiss was an accident. I didn't mean to. We would be at a painful stalemate if it hadn't happened. After it happened, he told me that I was stupid and shouldn't like him. And I've tried not to from day one. If men don't respond a certain way I try to let them go. But I know what he is doing. He is pushing me away. It won't work, mostly because I know what he is doing. He either has to tell me that there is nothing there and that he is an asshole only wanting sex or we'll give it a fair shot. I know that the first half of the latter is true but not the second. So he really has one option. Or he could just avoid me. That might work too.

He's has admitted that he likes my attention. He made a big deal out of it when he didn't get it so he would get my attention back. It's sad really, I don't mind giving him the child like attention that he wants. I know it's him wanting to feel close to someone. As far as I know he hasn't had that in quite some time.

We didn't have sex last night. I wanted to. And he maybe wanted to as well. But I'm not sure because he was having arousal issues. I would have just laid with him snuggling forever. He makes me want to snuggle. He makes me want to be close to him. I don't have to hide myself from him. He flat out said that he forgot how good it felt to dry hump. That's cool. Sure, I don't mind I just want him.

He has to care about me. He rubbed/scratched my Hives for me. Who does that for someone? He still wanted to be around me, even though I'm covered in them. They're on my face even. He says that I stand out and that he is attracted to me. He is kind of pissed that I picked up in the cues that he didn't want to put out there. He's looked at me different for I don't know how long. He made me feel like I didn't know what I was talking about. He tried so hard to push me away before this even happened.

Maybe I should let him be before I get in deeper. I'm actually afraid of my feelings for him. I'm afraid because of the way he makes me feel. Not that I'm not already whole, he makes me calm. He warms me. I don't have to be bitter and caustic to him and if it comes out he understands it. Simply put Thursday evening was the most calm he had been awhile. It was just him and I laying down and he was playing mind teasers talking to R-sqrt.

I guess I'm afraid of the feelings for him and what they mean. I'm afraid if things progress, I'll drop the L-word. I don't want to but at the same time, if you feel it you should say it. I won't not if certain things happen. Just a hurry up and wait game for now.