Awful things on my mind. . .

My best friend
my love life
friends in general

My best friend and I have kind of been on outs since spring break. I don't know if I did something or what the hell happened. Her love life kind of went to shit around then and I feel like I've been taking the brunt of her feelings. Before spring break, she flat out forgot the turmoil of my love life of the past six months. Her excuse was, "I don't like to think about it because it upsets you and then it upsets me." I agree with her there but to completely forget? But whatever. She found out the D1 was going to be a father and then he kind of fell of the face of the earth for awhile. He decided that the stress of everything was too much to entertain my friend. So that was what it was. She has never felt this way before, blah blah blah. Not going to lie, I kind of discount her feelings because of her behavior with and towards him and her friends.

She would pretty much blow me off to be with him. Not that I care so much as she set rules for herself that she blatantly broke. If you don't want to be too involved with someone don't give them that power. But she gave it to him and let herself believe there could be more there. I'm not saying there isn't but D1 is so much drama. He has a sick mother and a now pregnant ex. I know these people need love too but why would you add that to the stress of your life already. We're taking some of the hardest undergraduate courses offered and she wants to add this shit.

Another flaw that bothers me with her; complaining. With the D1 situation I get it. I was there and I know someday another mad will bring me to my knees and I won't feel whole again. But she complains so much about stuff that is her fault. To put in a perspective that a friend of mine said (I was bad and venting but I didn't want to say this to her. Words exchanged in anger can't be taken back nor are they forgotten.) "Its like fat people complaining about being fat and then they eat." She has complained about having to pull two all-nighters to get all of her work done that is due. I know how she spends her time; if she really wanted her work done it would have gotten done. And then she rewarded herself with some Dior lipstick. . . $26. She complains about not having money. Her parents support her and she currently doesn't work at all. Not that any of us actually have time to work but still. Before I saw the lipstick she said she was going to have to call her dad so she would have money to eat this week. If she needed to eat she didn't need the lipstick. Her makeup is also in excess. She wouldn't need to buy anything new for a very long time but there is something new almost all every week. She is one of those people where things, makeup, clothes, shoes/boots make her feel better. --The issues of planning on living with and housing will be discussed later but I hope it resolves itself shortly.--

I went out by myself last night. I've been feeling down and I felt and needed to go shopping. I spent $200 but that is superficial. I'll give you the break down on my purchases. I spent $60 in Walmart, essential items like sports bras, panty liners and tissues as I've been sick lately. I then went to the mall. I almost dropped close to $100 in New York and Company but I'm petite and everything I liked was too big. I spent $10 in Forever 21 on two really cute hair pins. I checked to see how much my Victoria Secret spring sale card thing was and of course it was only $10 dollars. I didn't buy anything in there and went to Sephora. I played around for awhile and asked someone who worked there if the Ralph Lauren perfume I had put on earlier that morning smelled good. They said yes but I wouldn't know if they were lying to make a sale or not. They don't work on commission but there is no telling. Anyway the perfume was 68 but I only payed $40 for it because I had some gift cards laying around. From there I was in Kohls for awhile and ended up spending $40 in there as well. Cute skirt and sweater. After that I went to Chipotle (that reminds me I need to send them a complaint). Spent about $10 dollars there on dinner for one and then I put $50 dollars of gas in the car. I'm kind of lucky I didn't get a ticket last night. I had really wished for M at that point because I know he has fast cars and likes to go fast. I'm glad I didn't blow more money because I was in the mood to spend spend spend. Or something. Last night would have been a night of careless decisions.

My love life is just in the doldrums. I haven't spoken to my ex in 2 months. I'm actually kind of impressed with myself. That is bad and I know it. I claim to be a better person and I should be. This doesn't reflect well. He will message me from time to time but I just ignore him. After the pain that I went through and still go through I don't want to speak to him. I'm not saying I did any better but at least I was up front about it. I came back to school telling him that I wasn't ready for a full blown relationship and that I need time to adjust. Bad but true. I'm not a liar. I could have lied to him. I could have been that two-timing girl but that isn't me. But I gave him the power he needed to hurt me by being his friend first. He said all the worst things in the world to me and then expected me to let that go. I flat out told him that I'd be stupid to tell him things again, if all the he said he meant and thought true. He is about as emotionally mature as a child. This chapter of my life just grates on me so much still.

My friends in general. I don't know what to say about that. Lack there of? Apparently I'm just an awful person. The one person that I enjoy their company most often is leaving in a short while. I don't know what it is about him but just him. But he just likes to fuck with my head at this point. "Flirting doesn't mean anything unless you make it mean something." I don't flirt unless I like someone and yes this has been a bitter pill to swallow. I don't know what it is about him but he just seems right. Despite that he is bitter and angry and an asshole in general, I like him. Alas, he doesn't want anything to do with me.

I'm tired of being the friend who always invites everyone else and makes the plans. I just am tired. I feel like I'm falling apart and no one notices. No one asks but can I blame them if I push them away? I often times don't feel good enough for half of the things that I've worked hard for in this life. Yep I've been a debbie downer for awhile. I hope it stops soon. Why can't someone just love me and be with me?