I always get what I want. . .

As cocky as the title, if I want something bad enough I will work towards it. This applies mostly to men because I like the challenge. With that being said, I finally got A* last night. Didn't fuck him, but at least I've gotten my goal. Yeah, I'm a ho in my department but I don't care. I haven't fucked them all. He swore for so long that he was above this. Not that I hold it against him, I'm just glad that he could allow himself this.

A* and I have had a series of casual dates in groups and alone in the past month but last night was by far the most enjoyable of the time. We've had various outings for drinks and dinner. Last night kind of turned in to I have no idea. We made dinner together, in his incredibly messy kitchen. I want to clean it so bad, I also want to clean his room. Good grief, I sound like his mom. But it doesn't bother me. It bothers him and I want him be happy and comfortable and know that its nothing.

We've been playing this horrible cat and mouse game for months. I believe I've been taken into his confidence. I believe but I don't really know. He's told me things I'm sure he'll tell others but we'll see. My lips are sealed for the time being.

Our first kiss was an accident. I didn't mean to. We would be at a painful stalemate if it hadn't happened. After it happened, he told me that I was stupid and shouldn't like him. And I've tried not to from day one. If men don't respond a certain way I try to let them go. But I know what he is doing. He is pushing me away. It won't work, mostly because I know what he is doing. He either has to tell me that there is nothing there and that he is an asshole only wanting sex or we'll give it a fair shot. I know that the first half of the latter is true but not the second. So he really has one option. Or he could just avoid me. That might work too.

He's has admitted that he likes my attention. He made a big deal out of it when he didn't get it so he would get my attention back. It's sad really, I don't mind giving him the child like attention that he wants. I know it's him wanting to feel close to someone. As far as I know he hasn't had that in quite some time.

We didn't have sex last night. I wanted to. And he maybe wanted to as well. But I'm not sure because he was having arousal issues. I would have just laid with him snuggling forever. He makes me want to snuggle. He makes me want to be close to him. I don't have to hide myself from him. He flat out said that he forgot how good it felt to dry hump. That's cool. Sure, I don't mind I just want him.

He has to care about me. He rubbed/scratched my Hives for me. Who does that for someone? He still wanted to be around me, even though I'm covered in them. They're on my face even. He says that I stand out and that he is attracted to me. He is kind of pissed that I picked up in the cues that he didn't want to put out there. He's looked at me different for I don't know how long. He made me feel like I didn't know what I was talking about. He tried so hard to push me away before this even happened.

Maybe I should let him be before I get in deeper. I'm actually afraid of my feelings for him. I'm afraid because of the way he makes me feel. Not that I'm not already whole, he makes me calm. He warms me. I don't have to be bitter and caustic to him and if it comes out he understands it. Simply put Thursday evening was the most calm he had been awhile. It was just him and I laying down and he was playing mind teasers talking to R-sqrt.

I guess I'm afraid of the feelings for him and what they mean. I'm afraid if things progress, I'll drop the L-word. I don't want to but at the same time, if you feel it you should say it. I won't not if certain things happen. Just a hurry up and wait game for now.

Awful things on my mind. . .

My best friend
my love life
friends in general

My best friend and I have kind of been on outs since spring break. I don't know if I did something or what the hell happened. Her love life kind of went to shit around then and I feel like I've been taking the brunt of her feelings. Before spring break, she flat out forgot the turmoil of my love life of the past six months. Her excuse was, "I don't like to think about it because it upsets you and then it upsets me." I agree with her there but to completely forget? But whatever. She found out the D1 was going to be a father and then he kind of fell of the face of the earth for awhile. He decided that the stress of everything was too much to entertain my friend. So that was what it was. She has never felt this way before, blah blah blah. Not going to lie, I kind of discount her feelings because of her behavior with and towards him and her friends.

She would pretty much blow me off to be with him. Not that I care so much as she set rules for herself that she blatantly broke. If you don't want to be too involved with someone don't give them that power. But she gave it to him and let herself believe there could be more there. I'm not saying there isn't but D1 is so much drama. He has a sick mother and a now pregnant ex. I know these people need love too but why would you add that to the stress of your life already. We're taking some of the hardest undergraduate courses offered and she wants to add this shit.

Another flaw that bothers me with her; complaining. With the D1 situation I get it. I was there and I know someday another mad will bring me to my knees and I won't feel whole again. But she complains so much about stuff that is her fault. To put in a perspective that a friend of mine said (I was bad and venting but I didn't want to say this to her. Words exchanged in anger can't be taken back nor are they forgotten.) "Its like fat people complaining about being fat and then they eat." She has complained about having to pull two all-nighters to get all of her work done that is due. I know how she spends her time; if she really wanted her work done it would have gotten done. And then she rewarded herself with some Dior lipstick. . . $26. She complains about not having money. Her parents support her and she currently doesn't work at all. Not that any of us actually have time to work but still. Before I saw the lipstick she said she was going to have to call her dad so she would have money to eat this week. If she needed to eat she didn't need the lipstick. Her makeup is also in excess. She wouldn't need to buy anything new for a very long time but there is something new almost all every week. She is one of those people where things, makeup, clothes, shoes/boots make her feel better. --The issues of planning on living with and housing will be discussed later but I hope it resolves itself shortly.--

I went out by myself last night. I've been feeling down and I felt and needed to go shopping. I spent $200 but that is superficial. I'll give you the break down on my purchases. I spent $60 in Walmart, essential items like sports bras, panty liners and tissues as I've been sick lately. I then went to the mall. I almost dropped close to $100 in New York and Company but I'm petite and everything I liked was too big. I spent $10 in Forever 21 on two really cute hair pins. I checked to see how much my Victoria Secret spring sale card thing was and of course it was only $10 dollars. I didn't buy anything in there and went to Sephora. I played around for awhile and asked someone who worked there if the Ralph Lauren perfume I had put on earlier that morning smelled good. They said yes but I wouldn't know if they were lying to make a sale or not. They don't work on commission but there is no telling. Anyway the perfume was 68 but I only payed $40 for it because I had some gift cards laying around. From there I was in Kohls for awhile and ended up spending $40 in there as well. Cute skirt and sweater. After that I went to Chipotle (that reminds me I need to send them a complaint). Spent about $10 dollars there on dinner for one and then I put $50 dollars of gas in the car. I'm kind of lucky I didn't get a ticket last night. I had really wished for M at that point because I know he has fast cars and likes to go fast. I'm glad I didn't blow more money because I was in the mood to spend spend spend. Or something. Last night would have been a night of careless decisions.

My love life is just in the doldrums. I haven't spoken to my ex in 2 months. I'm actually kind of impressed with myself. That is bad and I know it. I claim to be a better person and I should be. This doesn't reflect well. He will message me from time to time but I just ignore him. After the pain that I went through and still go through I don't want to speak to him. I'm not saying I did any better but at least I was up front about it. I came back to school telling him that I wasn't ready for a full blown relationship and that I need time to adjust. Bad but true. I'm not a liar. I could have lied to him. I could have been that two-timing girl but that isn't me. But I gave him the power he needed to hurt me by being his friend first. He said all the worst things in the world to me and then expected me to let that go. I flat out told him that I'd be stupid to tell him things again, if all the he said he meant and thought true. He is about as emotionally mature as a child. This chapter of my life just grates on me so much still.

My friends in general. I don't know what to say about that. Lack there of? Apparently I'm just an awful person. The one person that I enjoy their company most often is leaving in a short while. I don't know what it is about him but just him. But he just likes to fuck with my head at this point. "Flirting doesn't mean anything unless you make it mean something." I don't flirt unless I like someone and yes this has been a bitter pill to swallow. I don't know what it is about him but he just seems right. Despite that he is bitter and angry and an asshole in general, I like him. Alas, he doesn't want anything to do with me.

I'm tired of being the friend who always invites everyone else and makes the plans. I just am tired. I feel like I'm falling apart and no one notices. No one asks but can I blame them if I push them away? I often times don't feel good enough for half of the things that I've worked hard for in this life. Yep I've been a debbie downer for awhile. I hope it stops soon. Why can't someone just love me and be with me?

Back to School and other Complications

Happy Holidays? Not so much; for me anyway. The last week of my vacation was pretty much the worst week for me. J and I fought for four days. These were not little fights but big arguments where he said anything he could to hurt me. Not to say someone was right or wrong and I'm not perfect but low blows are not my style. I trusted him with my secrets and feelings and whenever we have these catastrophic fights, he takes the information that he is privy too and the uses it against me. He has lied to me about the same thing for over six months. He isn't cheating but an eating disorder is just as bad. He thought that he could hide it from me if we were married. That isn't something I'm looking for. When fall semester started, I tried talking with him about my difficulties in becoming solely his. College is a ginormous Pavlovian response for me and men. It just kind of happened that way. I don't think anyone plans that.
Onto other worse things. I was driving back to school and my engine stalled out on me on the highway. That was fun. It was windy enough that I didn't hear the engine shut off. My dad thinks there was water in the line. Friday morning my hard drive died. Gone forever. It's gone to sludge-hammer-smashy-happy-time. I moved back into my dorm on Sunday and it was raining. I proceeded to accidentally drop four hundred dollars worth of book into the mud. But life has gotten better since then.
I've gone out twice in the past week. My best friend and I justified it by saying it was exercise and it was. Wednesday night I got groped by some Guido motherfucker who goes to F&M. He wants to hang out sometime. We might. The two nights ago I met a high school Spanish teacher. Nothing too exciting there but I do like him. Stupid me thinking I could actually ever catch a guy who wants more than sex. I spent last night with B. He did try to have sex with me but he respected my saying no. I want to sleep with him. I really do but I didn't want to know him for less than 24 hours before doing so. I even Internet stalked B because he wanted me to come home with him the first night I met him.
I have found a pure man in the past week. When my computer was kaput, there was a cute guy who worked at the help desk. C likes me for me. I think. And not what I can do. C is a two years younger than me though. And I don't know how I feel about that.
------
I hate you school. I have so much work to do. I think Analytical chemistry is going to blow the big one. I feel so overwhelmed by everything. I don't know how I will manage with everything. I'm already about being able to do it all.