I'm so glad to be home. Not really. I came home and no one was here. It being a Tuesday, and me being a college student, it had completely slipped my mind that normal people in the real world have to work. I didn't want to come home and I should have listened to my instincts and came home tomorrow. Oh well, it's a little late now.
Saturday night, after A* and I had final that morning we drinking in J^'s apartment. J^ and I refused to talk about school. We just wanted to enjoy the peace after the battle of finals with a little alcohol. A* is an interesting man. He is optimistic and wants to believe the best in people but is constantly disappointed. I don't really know why he insists keeping this thought process when it hasn't worked out so well . A* is not interested in a relationship. Awesome. I don't want one either for pretty much the same reasons. No time, don't really want to deal with someone clinging or just not understanding the lifestyle.
A* and I have had our off and on flirtatiousness and it's been mostly on lately. I was staying at J^'s apartment and while we filling the air mattress he came back to her room. He ended up on her bed as J^ had laid down in my bed. I then laid on top of A* and he wrapped his arms around me. He held me. I didn't feel anything for him but it just felt nice to be held. That's about all that's worth mentioning.
Today, A called me. Just to say hello. What does that mean in simple persons mind? Probably just that. I need to stop over analyzing so much.
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
Sunday, December 13, 2009
What a Shame
I hear this song from Shinedown and it just reminds me of him. J was different than every other guy I had ever met. I met him at church, of all places. It was Christmas of 2007 and he and I were rebel Christians, which gave us an instant bond. Our relationship has been an interesting one. Mostly of us just being friends but actually wanting to be with one another when we are together. We sleep together pretty much every time we are home.
We went on our first date shortly after we met. We went to the movies over an hour away from home because Sweeney Todd wasn't playing anywhere else. He was young and careless in his driving. I shouldn't say much because I'm only a year older than him. We made church more bearable for one another.
He joined the Marine Corps in October of 2008. I spent Christmas without him; our year anniversary without him. I didn't cope well. I would nearly break down in tears without him by my side in church. That is so pathetic. He is/was my best friend. He always made everything better and made me happy. He would enjoy the fact that I didn't want to go out and be around other people. We could be hermits together.
His roommate from school just got married. I am friends with the wife on facebook. It kills me to see them there and happy. I know that could be J and I. It should be us. But I'm not going to give up everything that I've worked for to be with someone. I've worked hard for the education I've gotten and I'm not going to just give it up.
Despite what happens when I'm at school, I want to be with him. He doesn't understand how busy or stressed I am and he is not here to deal with it, so it is unfair that he would expect me to resign myself to be with him when he is 500 miles away. I'm not going out and actively looking for someone to hook up with but I don't feel it's fair to be told what you can and cannot do when there isn't much understanding or relationship going on.
We went on our first date shortly after we met. We went to the movies over an hour away from home because Sweeney Todd wasn't playing anywhere else. He was young and careless in his driving. I shouldn't say much because I'm only a year older than him. We made church more bearable for one another.
He joined the Marine Corps in October of 2008. I spent Christmas without him; our year anniversary without him. I didn't cope well. I would nearly break down in tears without him by my side in church. That is so pathetic. He is/was my best friend. He always made everything better and made me happy. He would enjoy the fact that I didn't want to go out and be around other people. We could be hermits together.
His roommate from school just got married. I am friends with the wife on facebook. It kills me to see them there and happy. I know that could be J and I. It should be us. But I'm not going to give up everything that I've worked for to be with someone. I've worked hard for the education I've gotten and I'm not going to just give it up.
Despite what happens when I'm at school, I want to be with him. He doesn't understand how busy or stressed I am and he is not here to deal with it, so it is unfair that he would expect me to resign myself to be with him when he is 500 miles away. I'm not going out and actively looking for someone to hook up with but I don't feel it's fair to be told what you can and cannot do when there isn't much understanding or relationship going on.
Saturday, December 12, 2009
Sliding Scale of Expectations
I don't understand why I'm even remotely interested in him. A is the complete opposite of me. I am in my fourth year of my chemistry and recently decided to stay an extra year in undergrad because I want to go to graduate school for biochemistry. A is a crane operator. It requires skill I know but really I don't see much brain power going in there. It drives me bananas how little he cares for his health. He has lived half of his life already and doesn't even know it. At 22, his life is half over. He smokes at least a pack a day, doesn't wear his sleep apnea mask and he is over weight. A week ago, A told me in more words than ever necessary that I wasn't good enough for him. How does one cope with being told by someone "lesser" that they are not worth even entertaining the thought of being with them?
It's the dumb ones that always manage to fool me. Perhaps because I expect so little from them that when they exceed their expectations they then seem worthy of my attention. That's really what it comes down to. Expectations. If we expect someone not meet them, or we have fewer than we should for that individual, when/if they exceed them, they are now granted some sort of access to us. Why do we grant them this sort of access when we know in the long run it won't work? I usually say there should be at least 5 things in common with the other person. You can't think on these 5 things, they should come quite quickly. There are exceptions to the rule, but those exceptions are the dangerous ones. Why is it that our expectations are on a sliding scale?
The sliding scale can be ended if we know what we want. I didn't want a relationship, still don't. But at some point men start to think and all they want to do is get away instead of talking. School keeps me busy enough, that I don't need a man-child nagging the hell out of me or whining that I'm not around enough or that I don't talk enough. I wanted to sleep with Adam, see where it went; but it probably would have fizzled out in a couple of months anyway.
Perhaps we should be happy with what comes along and not worry about anything else. But I feel that we should have values and standards that we keep ourselves to. One must remember that there is a plan and a path for us out there and not to sweat the small things.
It's the dumb ones that always manage to fool me. Perhaps because I expect so little from them that when they exceed their expectations they then seem worthy of my attention. That's really what it comes down to. Expectations. If we expect someone not meet them, or we have fewer than we should for that individual, when/if they exceed them, they are now granted some sort of access to us. Why do we grant them this sort of access when we know in the long run it won't work? I usually say there should be at least 5 things in common with the other person. You can't think on these 5 things, they should come quite quickly. There are exceptions to the rule, but those exceptions are the dangerous ones. Why is it that our expectations are on a sliding scale?
The sliding scale can be ended if we know what we want. I didn't want a relationship, still don't. But at some point men start to think and all they want to do is get away instead of talking. School keeps me busy enough, that I don't need a man-child nagging the hell out of me or whining that I'm not around enough or that I don't talk enough. I wanted to sleep with Adam, see where it went; but it probably would have fizzled out in a couple of months anyway.
Perhaps we should be happy with what comes along and not worry about anything else. But I feel that we should have values and standards that we keep ourselves to. One must remember that there is a plan and a path for us out there and not to sweat the small things.
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