My HL-60 Cells are Effed.

Still in school. The current course that has me stressed is Cell and Molecular Techniques. My HL-60 cells are just not growing. They are just bad all around. I am doing really well in this course and sucking at this is driving me bananas.

I don't really want to discuss this. Mostly I need to let my heart out of my chest for awhile. Last night I had this horrible thought of, "What if he has read this?" Not that I mind and maybe I'd want him too but I'm not to sure how I'd feel about it. A* broke up with me three months ago. The pain feels like yesterday. He broke up with me in a text message. Of course I know he didn't deserve me and all that other stuff but he gave me warm fuzzies and I haven't felt those in a really really long time.

I loved him. More than I like to admit and while I didn't have all of my heart to give (others had taken pieces) I gave him what I could. I still feel like a part of missing without him. He made me happy just thinking about him. He curled around me so perfectly and I only ever wanted to be wrapped in his arms. I have no idea why I put up with his shit for so long. Everything about him made me happy. He may have not been my ideal but it didn't matter to me. He was just incredible to me.

He and I never slept together. He would be ready to go in the warm up but as soon as the game started he would go limp. It didn't bother me at first but it happened all the time every time. I didn't bring it up with friends because it was a private relationship issue. I only brought it up initially because I thought maybe I did something wrong.

So this posting sat here unpublished while I was on spring break.

I noticed I can leave my life in PA and go somewhere else and I don't give a shit about my ex. I like the distraction. Spring break is the happiest I've been in a long time. Sorry A* but I guess I'm getting over you. I still miss you and I'm not sure why you treated me the way you did ever but it is what it is.

One of his fat female friends made a joke about A* adding a new nick-name to himself and it happened to by Dicksmaher X McIroncock. I thought this was funny because I know for a fact he is neither of those things. He is of average size and girth, nothing amazing but he was never hard long enough to have sex with. He performed in other areas quite well but couldn't participate himself. He had the audacity to tell me my chest was too small. I'm a fucking 32 DD and 125 pounds. There isn't thing wrong with me.

Perhaps it was that I doted on him as if her were a child and as soon as I would stop he would throw a tantrum. There were several occasions where he would punish me. Instead of being an adult about situations, he would just walk away. He knew I hated this. And there was another time where I asked who he was going to be with because I was curious and he just flat out said, "don't worry about it." I got mad and he just said, "How does it feel?" It was always his way or no way.

He had threatened to break up with me several times over the summer and I just should have let him. He wasn't worth the drama. A few days before we broke up, he sent me a text saying we should see other people. WHO THE FUCK DOES THAT???? To him it was some funny joke and I was just going to coddle him with he would get upset when I took it too far. When he ended it, I was done fighting. I just wasn't going to have it anymore. He wasn't worth all the extra stress. Being on the phone with him late at night, listening to him talk at me and then I'd have to be up for work at 6 in the morning. I need more sleep than that. I'm not him and my sleep was never respected.

He texted me on November 16 that it was over. Instead of fighting, I said fine and proceeded to move on.

So as of now, I am seeing someone. It is still casual but I'm in the weird I still want A* over A^ but then I think about how A* treated me and then I'm happy I have A^. I just want to be over A*, really I do and it should be easier. Perhaps some more entries to myself and who ever else reads this and I'll be over him.

I'm just ready to graduate at this point.